Mormon Classified Ads

[_Drifting]

Names Wanted

Know any dead Jews?
Please send names of deceased Jews real or fabricated to Church Genealogical Department....Confidentiality assured as sources will not be checked.

[_keithb]

For Sale

Large Golden Plates

Said to be of Ancient American origin. Said to have the appearance of gold. Between 2 days and 2,000 years old!*

*Plates are not available for viewing or inspection at any time proceeding, during, or after purchase. All interested parties are instructed to have faith in said plates in place of scientific inspection. Plates may be taken up into heaven after purchase. May contain tin.

[_keithb]

Seeking

Members to join personal religious cult.

God + ancient Martian appeared to me while I was praying in my backyard, instructed me that all churches are wrong, and told me to start my own. Seeking wealthy, gullible ... er, faithful individuals to join church. Must have young, attractive daughters (married okay), farm land, and be willing to deed all assets to church. Communications from god can only be received by me, and all decisions are final -- unless I change my mind later.

[_Dantana]

Lost and Found



Found: One adult male. Apparently suffering from amnesia. Approx 6' 4", muscular build, dark hair. Wearing some type of breastplate and loincloth....Says his name is "Two of three", but no known last name. Wearing an emergency alert bracelet that lists him as blood type o and haplogroup Hebrew....but he definitely looks Asiatic. Keeps talking about getting back to Zarahemla but then trails off into some ramblings about Goddamn LGT throwing off his inner compass.

To claim, call kneephy 549 and describe.

[_SteelHead]

Quickly becoming my favorite thread ever.

[_MCB]

I know. It is fun..

[_The Mighty Builder]

Travel and Leisure

For Sale

One berth for Ocean Going Voyage in Luxury Barge that is guaranteed Tight like unto a Dish. Voyage starting from the Mediterranean or thereabouts to GOD ONLY KNOWS where in the New World. Preferred berth adjacent to hole in TOP of the Vessel*. Trip expected to last over 10 Months with no intermediate stops. No need for suntan lotion. No need for reading material. No need for Change of Clothes. Food and Drink provided. Buyer may want to consider bringing Rain Clothes and Rubber Boots, you will be traveling with numerous animals of all sizes and vessel tends to roll. If suspectable to Anaphylactic Shock from Bee stings Seller recommend you bring an epinephrine kit.

*Seller makes no claim that you will remain at the Top of the Vessel. Some discomfort may be noted when Vessel flips over in rough seas. Falling animals and their waste may happen on occasion (watch out for the larger animals).

Contact Brother of Jared at imascrewed@aol.com

[_Bond James Bond]

Seeking

Jewish submarine captain.

Seeking amateur submarine captain to pilot wooden box from Arabia to America. Must be able to expertly steer submarine despite no propulsion or rudder. Expert knowledge of ocean currents strongly recommended. Bring portable orange and lemon trees; scurvy possible as pleasure cruise might take many months. Good pay but expect your DNA to change at God's whim upon arrival in America.

edit: I just noticed Mighty Builder did the exact same thing lol. Oh well.

[_Two of Three]

Lost and Found



Found: One adult male. Apparently suffering from amnesia. Approx 6' 4", muscular build, dark hair. Wearing some type of breastplate and loincloth....Says his name is "Two of three", but no known last name. Wearing an emergency alert bracelet that lists him as blood type o and haplogroup Hebrew....but he definitely looks Asiatic. Keeps talking about getting back to Zarahemla but then trails off into some ramblings about Goddamn LGT throwing off his inner compass.

To claim, call kneephy 549 and describe.

Sorry, my bad. Too much red punch, ya know?

[_Fence Sitter]

Employment Opportunity

Looking to fill vacant position of Prophet-Seer & Revelator
Must have experience in the following areas.

Able to look into seer stones without dying. There will be a pass or fail test.
Must have extensive linguistic ability with unknown languages.
Be comfortable speaking in front of large audiences with the ability to trail your voice off toward the end of each sentence.
Have a large selection of dark suits and white shirts.
Extensive experience in reading God's mind a must.
Be able to make declarative pronouncements regarding what God wants other people to do.
Have personally seen Jesus Christ - not like in a dream - but like some normal dude standing next to you. Please bring photo of said experience to interview.
Able to wear uncomfortable undergarments all day that creep up you crotch and maintain a smile.


Salary
Perks of the position include substantial wage and benefits package, penthouse housing, transportation, world wide travel, your own mall, and the adulation of 14,000,000 fans.

Send resumes and copies of previously received revelations to:

Prophet or Profit for Hire
SLC Utah