Dear Mormon Jesus.

[_Mormon Jesus]

Revelation given on Mormon Discussions 17 April 2012. Certain board members had inquired of the Lord regarding the benefits of faith in Him. The following revelation followed.

1-2, no one will be higher than the Lord; 3-7, ask of the Lord by knocking on heaven's door; 8-15, the Lord's kingdom is of this world; 16-21, there is probably someone who is the current prophet; 22-23, bring offerings to the Lord; 24-34, details regarding the promise of eternal life.

1. Hear, ye inhabitants of Mormon Discussions, from him who reigneth on high,
2. Yea, even three days hence from this revelation, I shall still be the Most High of all;
3. And now I say unto my servant SteelHead, blessed art thou, for thou hast sought me out even when thou walkest in darkness,
4. Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you,
5. Though it shall get dark, yea, too dark to see,
6. Thou shalt feel like thou are knocking on heaven's door,
7. Yea, knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door;
8. Whereuntofore, I say unto thee, SteelHead, that there are many reasons for which thou should esteem me above all other gods,
9. Verily, the false gods who are the creations of men hath not power, as I do,
10. Yea, where are the cattle ranches of those who purporteth to be gods? Where are their luxury hotels, their retail establishments, their television stations, their radio stations, their condominiums, or their restaurants?
11. Behold: nowhere.
12. For though the false gods of this world may seem to give thee comfort, they can in no way provide thee with an upscale shopping experience, as can I, the Lord;
13. Where shall Orixa Exu be, when thou needest a Brooks Brothers suit, or a Coach handbag? Or where shall the gods of the Philistines or the Sumerians be, when thou desirest a sumptuous chef-prepared buffet with a marvelous view from atop the Joseph Smith Memorial Building?
14. And if thou are in Hawaii, shall any of these idolatrous gods give thee shelter in a resort-style setting with all the amenities that man might desire?
15. Yet all these goods and services I offer, for I am the Lord.
16. Yea, but this is not all. For behold, thou art SteelHead, and are in need of guidance in thy life,
17. And the leaders of mine holy Corporation shall tell all these things unto thee; whatsoever thou should eat or drink, or what music and movies thou mayest partake of, or how thou shalt dress, or the words thou shalt speak, and all minutiae of thy temporal existence,
18. Yea, this guidance shalt thou have by following me, for whether by me or the mouth of my prophet, it is the same,
19. For the idolatrous gods of this world do not send forth living prophets, clothed with power and mighty words, as I do, by the voice of my living prophet......
20. .....ummm........
21. O, Thomas S. Monson! Yea, Thomas S. Monson is my living prophet at this time.
22. And thou mayest offer whatsoever thing unto the idolatrous gods of this world, but they have not power to accept them,
23. But I, the Lord, will accept all of thine offerings, whither it be cash, or check, or stocks, or bearer bonds, or such other securities or negotiable instruments that may be brought to my house,
24. And the idolatrous gods of this world shall fade by the wayside, but I shall offer eternal life until all those who obey my commandments and have faith in me,
25. Offer subject to terms and conditions;
26. Restrictions may apply;
27. Subject to cancellation or modification without notice;
28. Void where prohibited;
29. Offer valid to full tithe-payers only, one entry per person;
30. Thou hereby holdeth the Lord and the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints harmless from and against any third party claim arising from use of the restored gospel;
31. Thou waivest any right to privacy;
32. Thou waivest any right to inspect or approve the fulness of the restored gospel prior to committing to it;
33. Thou releaseth and dischargeth the Lord, his respective affiliated companies and the respective parents, subsidiaries, affiliates, advertising and promotion agencies of each, and all their respective employees, officers, directors, representatives and agents from any liability or damage due in whole or in part to the award, acceptance, possession, use or misuse of the restored gospel;
34. Amen.

[_SteelHead]

Mormon Jesus,
You almost convince me, but Exu is less of a self absorbed prig, and much less a corporate schill. I'll stick with Exu.

Plus Exu likes cachaca, and offerings of cachaca. Do you like cachaca?

[_KevinSim]

Orixa Exu is neither good nor bad. He is a trickster. An eternal manifestation of chaos and the messenger of Olódùmarè. Exu does not want me to follow Jesus. He is a jealous Orixa.

Axe!

Orixa Exu may be a manifestation of chaos, but how do you know he's eternal?

[_SteelHead]

Define eternal.