Sexual Dysfunction in Mormon Marriages

[Guest]

There is a thread over at NOM discussing a Bednar talk, where he instructs young women to ask the young men they date around the 4 or 5th date if they had ever looked at pornography and to run away from those that had.

Way to deny the atonement Bednar. Another piece of Mormon teachings that is going to damage youth. Another cure that is worse than the disease Ala the divorce your spouse as you found them flipping through a Victoria's Secret catalog. They must be a porn addict.

[_Carton]

- Do you believe there are some sexual activities in marriage that are justifiably considered "unholy and impure"? If so, what? Why?

Anything that the couple agrees upon goes.

- Do you think your spouse has sexual hang-ups of any kind? If so, what are they? Are these hang-ups causing tension in your marriage?

Current Brazilian wife, no.
Ex BIC wife raised in SE Idaho yes. Anything outside of penis in vagina created issues. Generally felt sex was icky.

- Have you or your spouse ever received counsel from your bishop or stake president about sexual issues? In your opinion, did this counsel help or harm your marriage?

With current wife no. We had frank upfront discussions about sexuality before marrying. She also has none of the cultural taboos common in so many raised in the church peoples. We would never go to a church leader for sex advice, mainly based on my previous experiences. We generally go by the rule if one of us wants sex and the other doesn't, we have it. This rule applies both ways. Meaning no body refuses unless they are really really with a good reason.

My ex was a refuser and would refuse for weeks...... Really helpful to a relationship to be constantly refused.

With current wife, we would be considered fairly freaky by tbm standards, but fairly normal but most of the world and definitely within her cultural norms.

Kinky is a feather b0a (wants to show up as Book of Abraham), perverted is the whole chicken.

With ex wife yes. The counsel was harmful, violated chi instructions of not counciling about sex and was basically in line with the 1978 letter. 20 some odd years later those beliefs are still widely held amongst the leadership and is still often preached. The church is great about screwing up people sexually, especially the females in regards to married sexuality eg unhealthy views, and stigmatizing the youth with masturbation.

My ex wife's unhealthy view of sex was one of the principal reasons our marriage failed. Bishops and stake presidents are horrible resources for sex counseling. Mormon counselors are for the most part also awful.

My current sex life is very fulfilling..... We average at least once a day, and variety is the spice of life.

I don't dispute that there are still "unhealthy views" concerning sex among church leaders. I know there are, because I've heard things reported to me. However, I don't think it is universal. My wife (also BIC, still active TBM) never seemed to have a single moment of sex hang-ups. Lucky for me, I guess. I had her read liz's nasty posts in the Telestial forum from a few months ago, and she immediately wanted to "go down" on me that night. (She's not into the spanking stuff, though. Sorry liz. But if you're into that kind of thing, go for it!) As we get older, she is much more sexually "hungry" than I am and very much likes to pleasure me (she has no problem with "sexual fluids")----every night if she could. I do my best to keep up with her libido. She thinks that frequent sex keeps us closer. Who am I to argue with logic like that?

[_DarkHelmet]

My ex was a refuser and would refuse for weeks......

Even with name like Steelhead?

[_Tchild]

Recent events in the lives of some friends of ours has made me curious about the extent of sexual dysfunction among Mormon married couples.

A friend of my wife recently announced to her that she is divorcing her second husband. Her first divorce occurred about 15 years ago, and sexual problems were at the root of that first divorce. We ended up learning that the wife had real issues with any kind of sexual activity that she considered "unholy or impure". Now she is getting divorced from the second husband, as a result (according to her) of his "pornography addiction".

Sounds like she is the problem, not the "pornography addiction".

Some women are very sensitive and are damaged by a spouse's viewing of pornography, while others are not.

So, husband #3 will be the "holy and pure" priesthood holder she is looking for? No? Maybe it will be husband #5 or #9?

As for the trimming of pubic hairs and oral sex in the bathroom, that sounds rather tame (especially considering they are married) compared to a lot of fetishes, but probably a bit wild when you contrast it against a night in bed with the lights turned off and the garment slits pushed aside for a quick, mechanical-like coitus in the missionary position full of grunts and groans of impatience from the frigid woman.

[_Fiannan]

I guess the straw that broke the camel's toe ... I mean camel's back was that this husband was encouraging his wife to let him trim her pubic hair, then wanted to give her a shower and then give her oral sex. The wife became convinced that he had learned about those things from watching online porn and that he wanted her to become "whorish" by trimming her pubic hair!

I would post a link to "Tarzan and His Mate - River Scene" on YouTube from the Tarzan movie from 1934 but I am not sure how prudish people are here. The fact is that when Jane's nude pubic regions are shown it certainly appears she is clean shaven. However, that is the style for art during that period as well. So his hairy a--ed wife could have been totally mistaken about her husband looking at porn.

Were there kids in this marriage? That will be priceless when they find out that their stupid mother broke up the family in large part because dad wanted mom to trim the hedge.

[_Fiannan]

As for the trimming of pubic hairs and oral sex in the bathroom, that sounds rather tame (especially considering they are married) compared to a lot of fetishes, but probably a bit wild when you contrast it against a night in bed with the lights turned off and the garment slits pushed aside for a quick, mechanical-like coitus in the missionary position full of grunts and groans of impatience from the frigid woman.

Oh my heck! You know, if one made this into the plot of a porn movie called "Hot Mormon Nights" it would absolutely go viral.

[_Carton]

My ex was a refuser and would refuse for weeks......

Even with name like Steelhead?

I just noticed the other thread talking about the Law of Chastity, and whether or not masturbation is a violation of it. This is another interesting thing with my TBM wife. Believe it or not, she had never masturbated before we were married. No premarital sex either. She'd let a couple boys squeeze her boobies as a teen, but never went any further than that. But at some point in our marriage, she really started getting into masturbation-----but only in my presence (which can mean on the phone). She tried it alone once, and it worked, but she said she didn't like it because it made her feel lonely afterwards. So now she does herself when I'm too exhausted to make anything happen. She likes me to watch. Says it makes it work better. Of course, watching usually arouses me, which she is counting on, because her favorite way to masturbate is while doing me orally. (Who am I to argue? )

Anyway, what I'm driving at here is that she is very TBM, but she doesn't feel like any of this is a violation of the Law of Chastity. Of course, I don't either.

It seems to me that the church could do more to strengthen Mormon marriages if it did more to encourage more sex among couples, and worked to dispel the notion that there are things that are "wrong" or "wicked" or "whorish". Probably decrease the porn "problem" too.

[_Carton]

I guess the straw that broke the camel's toe ... I mean camel's back was that this husband was encouraging his wife to let him trim her pubic hair, then wanted to give her a shower and then give her oral sex. The wife became convinced that he had learned about those things from watching online porn and that he wanted her to become "whorish" by trimming her pubic hair!

I would post a link to "Tarzan and His Mate - River Scene" on YouTube from the Tarzan movie from 1934 but I am not sure how prudish people are here. The fact is that when Jane's nude pubic regions are shown it certainly appears she is clean shaven. However, that is the style for art during that period as well. So his hairy a--ed wife could have been totally mistaken about her husband looking at porn.

Were there kids in this marriage? That will be priceless when they find out that their stupid mother broke up the family in large part because dad wanted mom to trim the hedge.

I think two kids from this marriage. Don't remember for sure. Been married at least 15-20 years now.

Yeah, I can't imagine what kind of thought process is involved in feeling like trimming pubic hair is wicked. But I think it has something to do with wanting to "hide" that nasty female genitalia. (Unbelievable, huh?) Why hide a masterpiece of art underneath a furry blanket?

[_just me]

[_Fiannan]

It seems to me that the church could do more to strengthen Mormon marriages if it did more to encourage more sex among couples, and worked to dispel the notion that there are things that are "wrong" or "wicked" or "whorish". Probably decrease the porn "problem" too.

A few times the wife and I have turned on the classic channel and watched a movie from 1950. Unlike the 1930s the 50s were heavily influenced by Freud and the idea of prudishness and conformity were the norms of the times. My wife noted how different the times were then ( weak submissive wives or more passive aggressive typology) and men in charge. I then noted the irony that many leaders in the Church today were already around the age of 30 in 1950 and had families.

This is not to diminish the connection to the spirit these men have, but from a cultural standpoint you are far more likely to find pretty frank talks of sex from Brigham Young than you are to get anything touching on encouraging sex from men in leadership today. It is just not part of their world view.

That being said the best way to combat adultery (finding sex often when it is not available at home) or porn (finding a substitute for sex when you can't find a willing partner outside of your marriage or do not wish to do so) is to encourage members to find more time for sex.