Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_The Mighty Builder]

Mormon Jesus needs to write a book. This thread is seriously awe-inspiring.

It's called the Book of the Doctrine and Covenants

[Guest]

Section 147

Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 20 July 2012. The prayers of the faithful had been going straight to voicemail, as the Lord was about to tee off on the first hole of his beloved golf course, the fairway of which was 4 light-years in length. The distractions of these ongoing prayers cause the Lord to slice somewhere into the middle of the Crab Nebula, and this revelation followed. It was designated by the members of the board as the “‘Tootsie Pop’ … plucked from the Candy Aisle of Paradise, the Lord’s message of passive-aggression to us.” This revelation was recorded exactly as the Lord gave it, without any changes or modifications.

1-5, Faith, hope, and solipsism; 6-25, the Lord's followers just take, take, take, and he just gives, gives, gives; 26-44, rebuke, guidance and direction given to certain members of the board; 45-50, the Lord sees your dirty face, high behind your collar.

1. Thus sayeth the Lord, whom ye apparently consider to be your own personal Jesus,
2. Someone to hear your prayers,
3. Someone who cares;
4. Yea, ye seem to think that I, the Lord, belong only to you and none other,
5. Which is pretty much how them that believe in me tend to act;
6. Verily, thou thinkest in thy heart that I am like unto a genie crossed with Ann Landers, who hath naught better to do than grant thy wishes and answer thine insipid questions,
7. O, this wicked and stiffnecked generation, which asketh and asketh and yet is never satisfied!
8. Thou art like baby robins addicted to crack,
9. For I have commanded that ye should do unto others as you would have done unto you,
10. Wherefore, how wouldst thou like it, if I started posing difficult questions to thee, or banal ones?
11. Yea, let us give that a try, that ye may understand:
12. What is infinity divided by zero? Or where are my, the Lord's car keys?
13. Declare, if thou has understanding;
14. For thou thinkest that through the laws and ordinances of the gospel, and shewing thyself to be faithful in all things during thy mortal probation, thou may be exalted on high, to be a god which shall rule and reign in the House of Israel for ever,
15. And yet thou canst not keep track of where thy damn car keys are,
16. Really? Really?
17. Yea, and ye ask for all manner of things; for a genie only granteth three wishes, yet thou asketh for seventy times seven wishes,
18. Verily, what if I started asking thee to grant my wishes? Has this thought ever entered thy heart? Or hast thou considered the irony that no one ever giveth me, the Lord, anything for Christmas?
19. For the Israelites of old did hold outdoor barbecues in my name, but I had not yet taken upon me a tabernacle of clay, wherefore I could not partake,
20. So what good did that do me?
21. Nevertheless, ye know what it is I want, for I have made it plain unto you,
22. Verily, the day shall come when the quarterly reports of City Creek Reserve shall come, and then shall I, the Lord, see if ye are obedient to my will,
23. Yea, and the earnings statements, or, in other words, tithing settlements, shall be declared from the rooftops,
24. For where thy treasure is, there shalt thy heart be also,
25. And if thy heart is in my holy Corporation, then it seemeth to me that that is where thy treasure should be;
26. And there are many upon this board who have prayed unto me with even more demands, notwithstanding that I, the Lord, have already answered some of your prayers,
27. Think ye not of your bretheren and sisteren? Yea, how about if someone else receiveth a turn, and that thou alloweth me to be the Lord?
28. Verily, is that okay with thee?
29. Now I say unto Franktalk: on July 17, 2012, thou said, "Moron Jesus why do you hide behind that curtain."
30. Behold, mine eye, yea, my pure eye, did see what thou didst there,
31. Wherefore, I say unto thee, Franktalk, that now would be a good time to stock up on anti-itch cream, and also to cancel thy plans for the next forty and eight hours or so; for I, the Lord, shall teach a lesson to them that blaspheme against me in the midst of my message board;
32. And unto my servant Bret Ripley, thou who wanteth a pony,
33. Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me,
34. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; for doth thou have any idea how much those things eat? Hast thou thought about whither thou shalt keep it?
35. Nevertheless, every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened,
36. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask a steel sword, will he give him a macuahuitl?
37. Or if he ask a pony, will he give him a tapir?
38. Wherfore, if thou shalt have faith, then shall I make a way for thee to have a pony;
39. On a related note, I say unto my handmaiden, jo1952: thou hast asked several things at my hand,
40. And my eye, yea, my pure eye, doth note that thou hast some ponies as thine avatar on this, my message board,
41. Wherefore, If thou wilt be perfect, go and give one of thy ponies to Bret Ripley, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me;
42. And unto my servant, Cylon: O that thou mightest be like unto Battlestar Galactica, campy and wholesome and based on my gospel!
43. And unto my servant Son of Ishmael, thou has been true and faithful, and thus shall the word of the Lord give thee guidance,
44. For they are even now getting that search warrant signed; wherefore, thou better hurry and find a better place to hide thou-knowest-what;
45. Yea, and unto all the people of my board, I say, continue to be built upon my rock, for those who are built upon my rock shall not be burned at my coming,
46. And I shall raise thee up, and thou shalt in no way forget that which I have done,
47. Because when I arrive, I shall bring the fire,
48. Make thee come alive, I can take thee higher,
49. What this is, forgot? I must now remind thee,
50. Let it rock, let it rock, let it rock. Amen.

[_CaliforniaKid]

That was the best one yet!

[_Shulem]

[_Bond James Bond]

Mormon Jesus I giveth you this bounty of ale to fill thy grail on thy unbirthday:

[_jo1952]

Oh Mormon Jesus, thou has taught us thy mysteries in parables. Thus I have prayed unto thee in the same manner. Thou hast not had the eyes to see it; and I am sorely grieved. Thy servant Franktalk hast tried to help me; and I have prayed these many more nights-but in vain. And now I see that thou has asked me, thy faithful maidservant, to give unto another who hath not. Yea, happily would I do so, but I am unable to find my way home. Where I am now they have only one single horse of a different color. Even the god from this world has now flown away without me; yea, and my dogs are really tired as they are trapped in tight seas of red. Even so, I hold my dog tightly in my arms. Please have mercy on me.

[_Franktalk]

MJ,

I am so sorry. I got you all mixed up with a lessor god. The Book of the lessor god was inspired in 1900 whereas yours was much earlier. What I find so confusing is that the lessor god received its image awards in 1940 whereas you received nothing for the images in 1956 except for the miracles. I can understand why you smite us so often.

[_Bret Ripley]

...a lessor god.

Insomuch as we are required to make prescribed payments in exchange for the right to occupy a space in the temple, we are verily Children of a Lessor God.

[_Morley]

...a lessor god.

Insomuch as we are required to make prescribed payments in exchange for the right to occupy a space in the temple, we are verily Children of a Lessor God.

My underline.


Excellent, Ripley.



And you too, Mormon Jesus. As always.

[_Franktalk]

Come now, don't we all pay for everything in one way or another? Just who is the ultimate owner of the universe? Isn't it true that even our bodies are like unto a rental car? Who amongst you can claim ownership of anything? Let him stand and declare knowledge of such things. Give credit to the high creditor least He partially blind you into obedience anyway.