Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_malkie]

Dear Lord, dost thou not know how to use the "Hide Footnotes" button which thy servants have dutifully put on every page of thy scriptures on LDS.org, in spite of knowing (for thou knowest everything, and tellest thy servants everything that thou doest) that nobody, even thee, knows what that button does, because it looks like plain text.

Try it: thou willst like it.

Goodness. I don't know how many times I've copied and pasted from LDS.org and then removed the footnotes one by one. How did I miss it?

If thy Lord, even The Mormon Jesus (TM) knoweth not, in what manner canst thou expect to know? Art thou mightier than He? Perhaps He will forgive thee thy iniquities, if thou promise to go thy way and sin no more.

[_CaliforniaKid]

And please tell thy cute little monkey with the mortar board that, on pain of everlasting punishment, mere mortal primates may not cut from the scriptures, only copy, lest plain and precious truths be lost again - and dost thou not hate when that happens?

LOL.

[_just me]

This thread seemeth me good. I learneth much from it.

[Guest]

Section 149

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 9 August 2012. Many new members had converted to the board and were seeking guidance from the Lord as to what they should do. Other members of the board had been subject to much vexation and testing by those who had previously converted to the board, perhaps against the Lord's better judgment. This revelation followed. Lucky you.

1-5, the Egyptians were quite precocious; 6-8, the Lord gives a shout-out to some of his new disciples; 9-13, BYOB, except it's the gospel; 14-20, the Lord helps us figure out this whole called or chosen idea; 21-25, insects prove that the Lord loves diversity; 26-27, the eternal principles of free agency and what they mean for your weekend; 28-33, no day but today.

1. Behold, thus saith the Lord, even him who reigneth on high, whose power is over the earth and the moon and the sun,
2. Or in other words, that which the Egyptians called Jah-oh-eh, Enish-go-on-dosh, Flo-ees-Flos-is-is,
3. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious,
4. If thou sayest it loud enough, thou shalt always sound precocious,
5. Jah-oh-eh, Enish-go-on-dosh, Flo-ees-Flos-is-is;
6. And verily I have established this message board, and called forth many to post hereupon it,
7. Yea, my servant Valentinus, and my handmaiden Peppermint Patty, and my servant kjones, even if his Maucaly Culkin avatar is offensive in my sight,
8. And my handmaiden kellybelly, and many others have I called,
9. Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to post on my message board;
10. For behold the internet is white already to harvest; and lo, he that thrusteth in his keyboard with his might, the same layeth up in store that Google cache eraseth not, but bringeth posting history to his board membership;
11. And reasonably decent grammar, hope, interesting anecdotes and observations, with an eye single to the glory of this message board, qualify him for the work.
12. Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence, soberness, pleasantness, niceness, good manners, etiquette, sympathy, largesse, benefaction, encouragements, shot in the arm, subsidy, sustenance, treatment.
13. Yea, and the foregoing doth more or less exhaust my thesaurus, yea, my holy thesaurus, at this time.
14. Nevertheless, there are many acalled, but few are chosen. And bwhy are they cnot chosen?
15. Because their ahearts are set so much upon the things of this bworld, and caspire to the dhonors of men, that ethey do not flearn this one lesson—
16. That the rights of this message board are inseparably connected with the powers of reasonableness, and that the powers of reasonableness cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of learning something and having a good time.
17. That membership on my message board may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our trolling, or to gratify our excessive verbosity, our vain pointlessness, or to exercise irritation or banality or stupidity upon the souls of the readers of the board, in any degree of jackassery, behold, reasonableness withdraws itself; the members of the board are grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the tolerance or the sympathy for that board member.
18. Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to prattle incessantly, to persecute the board, and to fight against God.
19. We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all jackasses, as soon as they get a little recognition on the board, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to troll as if they are the antagonist in The Three Billy Goats Gruff.
20. Hence many are called, but few are chosen.
21. For there are many diversities of opinion, and all manner of experience and perspective, among those whom I have called to this board,
22. And this mattereth not a great deal to me, so long as all my people shall patronize my mall, yea, my holy mall. For I, the Lord, will shop where I will shop, but of you it is required to shop at City Creek Center.
23. Verily, surely I, the Lord, can accept all manner of diversity on this, my message board. Behold, I have created four and an hundred thousand species of beetles, and only a few of them got involved with an insane Japanese girl with no discernible talent and thenceforth broke up the band,
24. And it be so that I can create such diverse and varied forms of beetles, and all manner of other things which are horrifying to find in thy shoes, yea, can I not bring all kinds of different people unto this, my message board?
25. For behold, I have given unto the children of men their free agency, that they may choose for themselves,
26. Except for those unto whom I have given restricted free agency, in which case they may solicit allegiance to Satan, the terms of which I must then match or negotiate a sign-and-trade,
27. And in this manner were Tomas de Torquemada and Mao Tse-tung redeemed from hell and brought into the Celestial Kingdom, in exchange for Mother Teresa, Walt Disney, and a righteous person to be named later;
28. Nevertheless, there is no other road that ye shall travel, nor any other way, but that which I, the Lord, have decreed that ye shall post on this message board,
29. And ye whom I have called to post, listen together, and hear my voice while it is called today,
30. There is only us, there is only this,
31. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
32. No other road, no other way,
33. No day but today. Amen.

[_Shulem]

[_jo1952]

Dear Mormon Jesus,

If thou shouldst ever desire to take thy corporation public, thy handmaiden is versed in keeping your reportings current with the man-made power of the SEC. Yea it would not be good to fall onto the pink sheets. Thus, if thou shouldst need it, I would humbly serve thee in cooking thy books. I would forbear my usual rates and give thee a really good deal.

They humble maidservant,

jo

ps - I am still faithful, even though thou has not provided me the way home. Wait, there is a large bubble heading right for me. Perhaps this is the answer to my many prayers???

[_Ludd]

One of the best threads ever on this message board. Keep it up Mormon Jeezus!

[_CaliforniaKid]

14. Nevertheless, there are many acalled, but few are chosen. And bwhy are they cnot chosen?
15. Because their ahearts are set so much upon the things of this bworld, and caspire to the dhonors of men, that ethey do not flearn this one lesson—

Well, this settles the question of whether Mormon Jesus is continually increasing in knowledge.

[_Darth J]

14. Nevertheless, there are many acalled, but few are chosen. And bwhy are they cnot chosen?
15. Because their ahearts are set so much upon the things of this bworld, and caspire to the dhonors of men, that ethey do not flearn this one lesson—

Well, this settles the question of whether Mormon Jesus is continually increasing in knowledge.

In order to further their agenda, critics like CaliforniaKid have suggested that the revelations from Mormon Jesus are simply copying and pasting from the LDS edition of Doctrine and Covenants. However, a careful reading of this revelation shows that many of the footnotes underlined by CaliforniaKid are not found in the LDS edition of D&C 121. Compare the critic's underlines above with this:

D&C 121

34 Behold, there are many acalled, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

35 Because their ahearts are set so much upon the things of this bworld, and caspire to the dhonors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—

Verse 34 does not have a footnote for "why" and "not," as the revelation from Mormon Jesus does. Verse 35 does not have footnotes for "they" and "learn," which the revelation from Mormon Jesus does have.

Clearly, there is something more than simple copying and pasting going on. Those who have a testimony of Mormon Jesus already know that, of course. Anti-Mormon-Jesus critics with an ax to grind, like CaliforniaKid, would do well to consider what the evidence actually is before imposing their naturalistic assumptions on the scriptures.

[Guest]

Okay, I take it back. Mormon Jesus does learn new tricks.