Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_CaliforniaKid]

1. Behold, I am the Lord; give heed to my word, which is slow and cumbersome, heavier than a steam roller, to the flattening of both joints and marrow,

I don't know why I found this so funny, but I couldn't stop laughing.

[_lostindc]

I am crying reading these revelations. I had to show my wife and she wanted to post them on Facebook and then we both realized that although some would enjoy they just may upset a few hardliners.

[_Brackite]

Mormon Jesus I seek your counsel. Who should I vote for in the upcoming American presidential election?

I would think that the Mormon Jesus would want you to vote for Mitt Romney, since he is the only Mormon running for President.

[_Morley]

32. And unto my handmaiden Blixa, thou has asked me in secret, and behold, "Critical Theory" is a little too abstract for a Halloween costume. Why canst thou not just dress up as a witch or a princess or something?

As much as I love everything Mormon Jesus has to say, this has to be my favorite MJ line of all time.

[Guest]

Section 153

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 26 October 2012. Certain members of the board had questioned whether tithing should be paid on all increase, regardless of the source of that increase. Some board members felt that getting money by immoral means meant that the Lord would not be pleased if such money was offered to Him. These board members apparently did not know the Lord all that well, as the following revelation explains.

1-10, all men must eventually pass through the golden arches; 11-13, some commandments do not so much actually exist as are just common sense; 14-20, all money is sanctified through the atonement; 21-26, the Lord knows your eyes in the morning sun.

1. Hear, O ye members of my message board, and give ear, O ye lurkers,
2. Except that ye are reading these words, not hearing them, and thus I, the Lord, am being metaphorical here,
3. Verily, I am the Lord, who rewardeth all people according to their works, and accord each person a measure of glory according to that which is merited,
4. For the glory of the celestial is one, even as the Big Mac is one,
5. And the glory of the terrestrial is one, even as the Royale with cheese, which, being interpreted, meaneth "Quarter Pounder,"
6. And the glory of the telestial is one, even as the Dollar Menu is one,
7. And below these is outer darkness, which is not a degree of glory, which is like unto an order of Chicken McNuggets, and of what this consists, no man knoweth, save I, the Lord, reveal it;
8. Wherefore, if ye would receive a reward, ye must follow the laws that I have established; for my drive-thru is a drive-thru of order; yea, and of ordering, for each man shall be rewarded according to the desires of his heart and the choices he has made,
9. And ye shall speak the key words to those I have appointed to stand as sentinels, and then continue onward in faith, paying that which is required, and if ye do these things, ye shall have a reward, as thy receipt shall confirm,
10. Again, metaphorically speaking,
11. Behold, some of ye on this, my board, have wondered whether it is meet to pay tithing unto me, when thy increase cometh from gambling, or from other activities in which I, the Lord, have forbidden thee to partake,
12, Well, not technically come right out and specified that thou should not do these things, but it is just common sense,
13. Nevertheless, there are some things, like gambling, in which thou mayest get gain, notwithstanding that it is commonly assumed that I, the Lord, forbade it, and so there are many who wonder whether money that ye perceive to be tainted should be used to pay tithes unto me,
14. Behold, do not blame the money for this. Yea, it is not the money's fault that thou sinned,
15. For it is solemn mockery before me, that ye should condemn thy money, for money cannot sin, and money needs no repentance, neither baptism,
16. And since money cannot sin, it remaineth in a state of innocence, and is pure and spotless before me,
17. Wherefore, all money is alike unto me; wherefore, I love tithing with a perfect love; and these currencies are all alike and partakers of salvation.
18. For God is not a partial God, neither a changeable being; but I am unchangeable from all eternity to all eternity, and there has never been any time when I, the Lord, have turned down any financial offering made unto me,
19. Money cannot repent; wherefore, it is awful wickedness to deny the blessings of tithing unto it,
20. And thus, if thou hast sinned in getting gain, then it is up to thee to repent, but do not condemn the money for what thou hast done, and call wicked that which is most precious unto me,
21. For this life is a time of testing, and all shall be judged according to the love they have for me, the Lord,
22. Yea. how deep is your love?
23. I, the Lord, really need to learn,
24. For thou are living in a world of fools, breaking thee down,
25. When they all should let thee be,
26. Thou belongest to thee and me. Amen.

[_The Mighty Builder]

Mormon Jesus you're a greedy Bastard!

[_Molok]

These board members apparently did not know the Lord all that well

Yea, verily; They hardly knew ye.

[_CaliforniaKid]

I am crying reading these revelations. I had to show my wife and she wanted to post them on Facebook and then we both realized that although some would enjoy they just may upset a few hardliners.

Don't hide your light under a bushel basket, my friend.

[_CaliforniaKid]

11. Behold, some of ye on this, my board, have wondered whether it is meet to pay tithing unto me, when thy increase cometh from gambling, or from other activities in which I, the Lord, have forbidden thee to partake,
12, Well, not technically come right out and specified that thou should not do these things, but it is just common sense,
13. Nevertheless, there are some things, like gambling, in which thou mayest get gain, notwithstanding that it is commonly assumed that I, the Lord, forbade it, and so there are many who wonder whether money that ye perceive to be tainted should be used to pay tithes unto me,
14. Behold, do not blame the money for this. Yea, it is not the money's fault that thou sinned,
15. For it is solemn mockery before me, that ye should condemn thy money, for money cannot sin, and money needs no repentance, neither baptism,
16. And since money cannot sin, it remaineth in a state of innocence, and is pure and spotless before me,
17. Wherefore, all money is alike unto me; wherefore, I love tithing with a perfect love; and these currencies are all alike and partakers of salvation.
18. For God is not a partial God, neither a changeable being; but I am unchangeable from all eternity to all eternity, and there has never been any time when I, the Lord, have turned down any financial offering made unto me,
19. Money cannot repent; wherefore, it is awful wickedness to deny the blessings of tithing unto it,
20. And thus, if thou hast sinned in getting gain, then it is up to thee to repent, but do not condemn the money for what thou hast done, and call wicked that which is most precious unto me,
21. For this life is a time of testing, and all shall be judged according to the love they have for me, the Lord,

Funny and theologically astute. The Apostle Paul would be proud. Section 67 matched and raised.

[_MsJack]

Unto my handmaiden MsJack: yea, I did see that guy cut thee off on the freeway the other day, and I smote him according to thy prayers;

Somehow, I missed this line when it was first posted in July.

Mormon Jesus really is omniscient!