Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_Darth J]

The vile hatred spewed by anti-Mormon Jesus critics are just further proof that his revelations are true.

And you can crawl in whatever way you have to figure out in order to ignore the powerful testimony of the Witnesses.

[_Sethbag]

I think Mormon Jesus has been mistaken. I'm actually jockeying for selection as one of the 8 witnesses, not fighting against the truthiness of the 3. I'm prepared to let the Prophet feed my suggestible mind whatever it is he wants me to see through the eyes of my understanding, and then to sign my name in attestation of whatever events he wishes me to agree to having experienced. Does that not make me eminently qualified?

Moreover, I solemnly swear in the name of Why Me that I shall never repudiate my witness claims till the day I die, that you may all know that, whatever else I say or do in my life, you know that Mormon Jesus really is da man.

[_ludwigm]

I'm actually jockeying for selection as one of the 8 witnesses

As do I.
Don't forget, I've prayed to Mormon Jesus three days before the 3 witnesses' testimony.

I think Mormon Jesus has been mistaken.

All Jesuses are men. Or was before. (But we don't teach it, don't stress it.)

[_The Mighty Builder]

Anti-Mormon Jesus critics have long tried to dismiss or destroy the witnesses' witness. Thus, we have The Mighty Builder relying on these old chestnuts that have long since been refuted. And then there's Sethbag. Sethbag didn't overtly attack the Witnesses all that much, but he said something less than affirming that the words of Mormon Jesus are true and wonderful. So that makes the worthless Sethbag (if that is his real name) a bigot.

Indeed, it would not surprise me to learn that the kinds of people who lob these ad hominem attacks are amoral criminals who are just looking to cover up their own sins, which are many and varied.

Despite this ongoing anti-Mormon Jesus pogrom, contemporary non-Mormon Jesus followers have recognized the Witnesses as people of good character and reputation. What motive would MsJack, MrStakhanovite, or LDSToronto have to lie about the reality of their experience?

For over 48 hours, the Witnesses of Mormon Jesus have been been examined and attacked, denied and deconstructed, targeted and torn apart like perhaps no other message board posters in modern religious discussion history—perhaps like no other book in any religious discussion history. And still the revelations from Mormon Jesus stand. Failed theories about their origins have been born and parroted and have died—from some Obama campaign surrogates to various board members to deranged paranoid to cunning genius. None of these frankly pathetic answers for this thread has ever withstood examination because there is no other answer than the one the Witnesses have given: that Mormon Jesus has revealed himself to them and they know it! And thus it remains that anyone who is foolish enough or misled enough to leave this message board must crawl over or under or around the testimony of Mormon Jesus borne by these Three Witnesses.

Darth J

Your viscous and unwarranted attack on honest and truth loving people just shows that you're one of the gullible masses that bend to every wind and doctrine. It is Fundamental Mormon Jesus that you should be seeking, not the modernized Mormon Jesus that preaches on this puppet board of his will and tripe.

For as everyone knows Fundamental Mormon Jesus would NEVER quote unrighteous Rock and/or Roll lyrics in HIS Revelations.

Get me in the Behind Satan

oops I mean Get Behind me Satan

[Guest]

Section 155

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 11 November 2012. Most members of the board expected eternal life and eternal progression to be a state of perfect happiness that lasts forever. In this revelation, the board learned that such might not be the case, judging from the ennui of the Lord.

1-4,The Lord takes the snap; 5-10, here comes the blitz; 11-15, He's under pressure; 16-25, oh, He finds an open man; 26-30, he caught it; 31-35, he's at the 20, the 10; 36-40; only one defender to beat; 41-46, he's in the end zone; 47-50, Touchdown! The Lord wins!

1. Behold, I am the Lord, I have been across Egypt on a horse with no name; I am the beginning and the end,
2. Yea, especially the end.....
3. Mine only friend, the end,
4. Of our elaborate plans, the end,
5. Verily, all things are before me, saith the Lord of Corporations, both that which is, and that which has come to pass, and that which shall yet come to pass,
6. Yea, and this is not as great as it soundeth,
7. For knowest thou what it is like, when thou hast a book that is pleasing unto thee, or a movie, or a TV show, and then someone telleth thee how it ends, and in this wise ruineth the whole thing?
8. Yea, now imagine that everything is like that for thee, forever....
9. And I am eternal and unchanging, the same yesterday, today, and forever,
10. Ye people cannot stand to wear the same twice in a row, or have the same thing for lunch every day, and yet ye think it to be just wonderful that I, the Lord, am always the same,
11. And believest thou me, I try to have some variety now and then,
12. Yea, one day I went through a goth phase, and inasmuch as one day to the Lord is a thousand years by thy reckoning, my day of going through a goth phase is how the Middle Ages came to pass,
13. And then do I, the Lord, snap out of these phases, and contemplate what doth it all mean,
14. For we progress and achieve grace for grace, line upon line, precept upon precept, and by and by, with fear and trembling, do we obtain our exaltation,
15. Then we are gods, and our increase is eternal,
16. Then do we obtain all that the Father hath, and have spirit children of our own, so that they may progress and achieve grace for grace, line upon line, precept upon precept, and by and by, with fear and trembling, do they obtain their exaltation,
17. Then they are gods, and their increase is eternal,
18. Then do our spirit children obtain all that we have, and then they have spirit children of their own, so that our spirit grandchildren may progress and achieve grace for grace, line upon line, precept upon precept, and by and by, with fear and trembling, do they obtain their exaltation,
19. And so on, literally ad infinitum,
20. Thus do I, the Lord, run this eternal rat race, the ultimate purpose of which is not altogether clear,
21. And I, the Lord, have contemplated in what way gods are fundamentally different from viruses, for it seemeth that they both exist primarily for the purpose of replicating themselves, to no apparent end,
22. Yea, who is to say that the universe is not some organism that the gods have infected?
23. Verily, ye might think unto yourselves, that having an immortal body, such that ye can eat seventy and eight thousand double fudge sundaes in one sitting might console these feelings, but.....
24. Sigh....
25. Maybe Nietzsche was right. But behold, he is locked away in spirit prison, because his descendants always think they are "too busy" to do his temple work, and I, the Lord, do not feel like going down to talk to him right now,
26. "Thus Spake Zarathustra," my ass, saith the Lord,
27. If only thou knewest the half of it, Friedrich;
28. But unto the people of my message board, I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one, ye are not mine,
29. And yet I also say unto you, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility,
30. Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation,
31. Thus, ye must be one to be mine, but if all things are one, then everything is for naught and there is no purpose in its creation,
32. Yea, I told both of these things to ye, and ye have not sufficiently meditated the mysteries of God, to realize that by doing as I have commanded, which is becoming one, ye do destroy your very purpose,
33. And thus, the purpose of eternal life is to have eternal life; yea, when I said my course is one eternal round, I, the Lord, meant it,
34. For I send my servants upon the earth, and they say that the gospel containeth the answer to the purpose of life, but behold, the gospel simply addeth another step to the question,
35. For if the purpose of life is to gain eternal life, then what is the purpose of eternal life?
36. Yea, what is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us?
37. Who wants to live forever?
38. Yea, who wants to live forever?
39. And not only this, but all things becoming one in me can get a bit silly from time to time, saith the Lord,
40. Behold, consider the Anti-Nephi-Lehies of the Book of Mormon, who to show that they had forsaken their Lamanite wickedness, took upon themselves a name suggesting they were opposed to the descendants of Nephi, in order to show their unity with them,
41. Ye cannot explain that, not any more than ye can explain the tides going in and the tides going out,
42. And in this wise shall weak things confound the wise, by becoming one in me in ways that confound the wisdom of the learned,
43. Yea, the cowboy and the jeweler shall be one, and shall call their name Lee Van Cleef & Arpels,
44. The existentialist and the wrestler shall be one, and call their name My Dinner with Andre the Giant,
45. The prophet and the hero of the universe shall be one, and shall call their name Flash Gordon B. Hinckley,
46. The kung fu movie craze and the apostle shall be one, and They Call Me Bruce R. McConkie,
47. The space adventurer and the musical shall be one, and shall call their name Buck Rogers & Hammerstein,
48. And when all things in this wise have become one, then every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess, that I, the Lord, am the Burger King of Kings,
49. Verily, one life, but we are not the same
50. We get to carry each other, yea, carry each other. Amen.

[_SteelHead]

Mormon Jesus, I knoweth thou art perfect, but shouldn't the kung fu apostle be Bruce R. McKonkie Lee?

Your obedient servant,
OG.

[_cwald]

Finally a revelation that is useful...

39. And not only this, but all things becoming one in me can get a bit silly from time to time, saith the Lord,
40. Behold, consider the Anti-Nephi-Lehies of the Book of Mormon, who to show that they had forsaken their Lamanite wickedness, took upon themselves a name suggesting they were opposed to the descendants of Nephi, in order to show their unity with them,
41. Ye cannot explain that, ...

Thank you for this gem. I have been pondering and praying about it for many years.

[_CaliforniaKid]

1-4,The Lord takes the snap; 5-10, here comes the blitz; 11-15, He's under pressure; 16-25, oh, He finds an open man; 26-30, he caught it; 31-35, he's at the 20, the 10; 36-40; only one defender to beat; 41-46, he's in the end zone; 47-50, Touchdown! The Lord wins!

Doxology: "The Lord Teboweth, and the Lamestream Media attacketh the Lord."

[_Dr. Shades]

My Dear Mormon Jesus,

I thank thee for all the wisdom that thou hast seen fit to bestow upon us. Nevertheless, on this wise have I come to seek further light and knowledge from thee: Hast thou an aversion to periods, or peradventure hast thou an affinity for commas?

If the former--or if the latter, for that matter--what is the reason for thy aversion or affinity, as the case may be?

I say this in the name of you,

Amen.

[_Gaia]

Wow, you guys are effing apostates -- I think i'm gonna be (and feel) right at home here!

~Gaia