Mormon Jesus wrote:Yea, one day I went through a goth phase, and inasmuch as one day to the Lord is a thousand years by thy reckoning, my day of going through a goth phase is how the Middle Ages came to pass
Ah, that explains a great deal Lord. I now better understand what appeared to me to be unfathomable and often deplorable capriciousness on thy part.
lostindc wrote:bump for perhaps the funniest thread I have ever read on this message board.
I just wish the revelaitons themselves had numbers so that it would be easier to refer to specific passages, (e.g. As Mormon Jesus said in MD Revelation 9:13, "Sigh.")
It’s relatively easy to agree that only Homo sapiens can speak about things that don’t really exist, and believe six impossible things before breakfast. You could never convince a monkey to give you a banana by promising him limitless bananas after death in monkey heaven.
Oh Jesus, where art thou? Thy servants fastet and offereth in thy name every day and night, praying for another revelation. Hear thou the words of our mouths, and grant us some news from on high. Oh Jeeeeeesus, where art thou?
Hmm.. maby the Lord is tired of the King James adressing style..? Ill try a different approach;
Hey mr Lordie, get your holy finger out and do some miracles to entertain us bored earthlings, before we rebel and start worshipping your younger brother instead! And while you are at it, can you reveal the location of my missing remote control, give me a NEW Mercedes Benz, and maby some fries to go with that?
About Joseph Smith.. How do you think his persona was influenced by being the storyteller since childhood? Mastering the art of going pale, changing his voice, and mesmerizing his audience.. How do you think he was influenced by keeping secrets and lying for his wife and the church members for decades?
Dear Mormon Jesus: is it OK for your children who understand that evolution is factual to say things like "As Australopithecus is, God once was"? Are there any gods with vestigial tails? Are any of them XXY males? Will I be better off with an Xbox 360 or a PS3?
Dear Mormon Jesus. I have a question. Who is the anti Christ that Dr. Midgley talks about in his MI articles? Is it Wayfarer? Or Sethpayne? Or perhaps it is Wade England?
Thanks in advance.
"Jesus gave us the gospel, but Satan invented church. It takes serious evil to formalize faith into something tedious and then pile guilt on anyone who doesn’t participate enthusiastically." - Robert Kirby
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. -- Henry Lawson
Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 14 January 2013. Please stay on your knees, and your prayer will be answered in the order in which it was received.
1-3, The Lord can see it in your eyes and can see it in your smile; 4-7, the Lord is a real mensch; 8-12, spare the rod, spoil the romance; 13-17, because pragmatism; 18-30, all manner of chastenings and vexations threatened against those who are just so damn funny in their own eyes; 31-34, oh, yeah, that guy; 35-40, communism and Dr. Laura; 41-44, your talking, it all sounds fair.
1. Verily, thus saith the Lord, 2. Hello, 3. Is it me thou art looking for? 4. For I, the Lord, have heard the prayers ye members of this, my board, or in other words, Mormon Discussions, have sent up to me, 5. Oy vey, a deaf man could have heard thy prayers! 6. Wherefore, marvel not that I, the Lord, hath said "oy vey," for inasmuch as the Lord is a modern American of Nordic descent who speaketh after the manner of the King James Bible, nevertheless I was a Jew in a former life, if ye have not forgotten, 7. Yea, and ye people of my board have pestered me with all manner of questions, notwithstanding that I, the Lord, am not so much of an "answer questions" kind of God these days; yet nevertheless I, the Lord will shew mercy unto ye, my board members, and entertain some of thine inability to mind thine own business, 8. Behold, my servant Lulu hath inquired of my hand to know whether I, the Lord, do justified my servants and handmaidens, who are legally and lawfully wed, to participate with each other in BDSM, which, being interpreted, meaneth bondage and discipline/sadism and masochism, 9. Verily, did not my servant Nephi say, in the twenty and fifth verse of the seventeenth chapter of the first book which beareth his name, that the children of Israel were in bondage, and that this was a good thing? 10. Yea, and whoever wrote the epistle to the Hebrews, did he not say in the sixth verse of the twelfth chapter of that epistle, that chastening and scourging is a sign of love? 11. Wherefore, considering how the people of Jah-oh-eh, which being interpreted, meaneth the Earth, do take a verse here and there from the scriptures and run with them, verily I, the Lord, fail to see what further justification thou needeth, for there is more BDSM in the scriptures than thou canst shake a stick at, 12. Or, in other words, that thou canst shake a rod at, even a rod of correction; 13. And unto my servant Bret Ripley, who asketh all manner of questions related to man: his origin and destiny, 14. And touching upon chromosomes, and gender, which is eternal in nature, and video game consoles, and all manner of other things, 15. Behold my servant Bret, I say unto thee: pragmatism, 16. Because it works, 17. And by the power of pragmatism, ye may know the truth of all things; 18. And unto my servant spanner, ye have asked what I, the Lord, think of Mr. Deity, 19. Behold, that smart ass Brian Dalton hath elevated himself in his own eyes; yea, he thinketh he is so funny, 20. But it shall come to pass that I, the Lord, shall have some of that chastening I mentioned earlier in store for some of ye down there on Jah-oh-eh, or the Earth, which is my footstool, 21. Which suggesteth that Jupiter is my easy chair, while perchance Mars is my end table, and Pluto is my mini fridge, for it is cold there; yea, how cold ye know not, not even if ye are from Minnesota, 22. Nevertheless we are getting sidetracked here; wherefore I, the Lord, was talking about chastening, 23. Yea, and it shall not just be stripes, but all manner of annoyances and irritations, which I shall visit upon thee, 24. Verily, I shall cause it to come to pass, that 99 Bottles Of Beer shall be the opening hymn at sacrament meeting, 25. And my servant David Bednar shall tell thee a story about how his mother folding the family's socks when he was growing up is like unto the restored gospel, 26. And I will cause a Facebook campaign demanding that a woman be made an apostle, which thy friends and family thereon will not cease to offer opinions about, 27. Yea, and my chastisement will not be limited to my holy Corporation; 28. For if ye do not repent of your sarcasm and your smart ass attitudes, then shall I cause to be issued a remake of The Shawshank Redemption starring Ryan Seacrest and Lil Wayne, and it shall be written and directed by Michael Bay, and ye all shall have to endure it, 29. And I shall send forth reality shows about people who collect yarn, and McDonalds shall start serving McEscargot, and pundits shall start talking about "the politics of meaning" again, and the halftime show for the SuperBowl shall be the Academy Awards, 30. Yea, and these and other bitter chastisements shall I send unto ye, except ye repent and close thy smart mouth, which thou thinkest is just so funny; 31. And unto my servant Cwald, who hath asked whither Seth Payne is an anti-Christ, or Wayfarer, or Wade Englund, 32. Verily, Seth Payne I know, and Wayfarer I know, but who is Wade Englund? 33. O, wait, is he that locks and keys guy? 34. Good Me almighty; 35. And unto my servant Analytics, who complaineth that my words unto this, my message board, are not numbered, 36. Behold, this is exactly what a leftist like thee would say, 37. For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up communism unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things; 38. Thus do some of my self-appointed servants insist that the United Order is capitalism, or in other words, that black is white and night is day, 39. And in this wise do all things become subservient to whatsoever thing I shall think up on the spur of the moment, and in this I am well pleased; 40. And if ye desire to be the people of my board, then ye must shew me, and not just inundate me, the Lord, with thine endless questions, supposing by thy reasoning that I am Dr. Laura and thou art calling in with thy various issues, 41. Yea, no more words, 42. Thou art telling me thou lovest me while thou art looking away, 43. And again, no more words, yea, no more words 44. And no more promises of love. Even so. Amen.
Last edited by Guest on Fri Aug 02, 2013 1:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Mormon Jesus wrote:15. Behold my servant Bret, I say unto thee: pragmatism, 16. Because it works, 17. And by the power of pragmatism, ye may know the truth of all things;