Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[Guest]

Section 158

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 20 February 2013. The Lord was fly fishing for blue whales on Europa and had set His phone to Vibrate Only, which on the Lord's phone registers as 7.2 on the Richter scale. Unaware of the consequences of their actions, the members of the board continued their ceaseless prayers. This revelation followed.

1-6, The Lord's coming like unto a reverse surprise party; 7-10, the preservation of Ham; 11-12, seeking signs is wickedness and also righteousness; 13-25, various admonitions and counsel and assorted miscellany; 26-30, further knowledge on the doctrine of restricted free agency; 31-35, the Lord sends your soul sky high when His loving starts.

1. Verily, thus saith the Lord, even Holy Christ Almighty, who speaketh unto them who them that seek me out in righteousness,
2. For behold, not all who cry unto me Lord, Lord, shall have their prayers answered, but only he who doeth my will,
3. Yea, the only one who could ever reach me,
4. Was the son of a preacher man,
5. For I come in an hour ye think not; yea, ye shall say among yourselves, I think the Lord is coming now, but behold I come at a different time than that,
6. And all shall say, Whoa, this is not the time that I expected the Lord to come, and they shall be astonished with a mighty astonishment,
7. For I gather all people unto me, saving whom I will, even as I shall gather the descendants of Ham,
8. Yea, after the waters receded, the descendants of Ham were scattered throughout the world, and the people of Ham went unto Westphalia, and Virginia, and the Black Forest,
9. But the day cometh when Ham shall be cured,
10. And inasmuch as the loins of Ham shall become savory and delightsome, even also shall I make manifest myself unto him those who believeth in me,
11. And he that believeth shall be blest with signs following, even as it is written,
12. Notwithstanding that it is a wicked and adulterous generation that seeketh after signs, which seemeth to suggest that it is a wicked and adulterous generation which seeketh to do my will so that they may be rewarded with signs,
13. And on this wise I now speak unto mine handmaiden Blixa, who hath asked what is the number of which she is thinking,
14. Behold, thus saith the Lord: five. For I, the Lord, have said five, and now thou art thinking of it because thou just saw it, wherefore, trouble me no more on this matter,
15. And unto my servant ControlFreak, blessed art thou, for thou hast come unto this, my message board, and have found my word, and it shall edify thee, and the edificatiousness of thine edification shall be great; and when thou art converted, PM thy bretheren,
16. And unto my servant Cwald, who hath asked for guidance in diverse matters, behold that I, the Lord, shall cause thy bosom to burn within you, and the still small voice of my spirit shall cause thee to tremble,
17. And thou shalt have chills, and they are multiplying, for thou art losing control,
18. Yea, the power I am supplying is electrifying,
19. And now my servant Dblagent007, ye have sought for the riches of this world, as if I have not already told thee how to get them,
20. Behold, I have told that if thou shalt pay thy tithes and offerings unto me, then shall I pour out a blessing unto you,
21. Yea, thou shalt sacrifice ten per cent of thine increase unto me, and if thou shalt do this with faith, then I, the Lord, will bless thee that thou shalt somehow get by on ten per cent less than thou hadst before, even if thou must give up some of thine indulgences in other areas to do so, and surely this is a miracle,
22. But if thou has not faith, behold, go ahead and give me thy tithes anyway, for the money of the just and the unjust spends the same,
23. And unto my servant KevinSim, marvel not at who may or may not be mentioned in the words I shall speak unto this, my message board,
24. For the first shall be last, and the last shall be first, and the middle shall be the third quartile, and the third quartile shall be the median,
25. And there shall be a restoration of all things, so the first will be first all over again, and the last will be last again, and the ordinance of musical chairs shall be revealed, as a symbol of my coming,
26. Now unto my servant Dr.Shades, who has wondered why William Schryver has had his calling and election made sure, behold, ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God,
27. For last August, did not I, the Lord, reveal unto my board the new and everlasting covenant of restricted free agency? Verily, Satan, who was a liar from the very beginning, did offer me Johnny Cash and Marcus Aurelius and a player to be named later, in exchange for Bruce R. McConkie and Heber C. Kimball,
28. Behold, whosoever among you would not have taken that deal, let him cast the first stone,
29. For on this wise, the devil has sought to lay a cunning plan, because he knew beforehand whom that player to be named later was going to be, that through this deal he could pawn William Schryver off on me for all eternity,
30. Nevertheless, my wisdom is greater than the cunning of the devil, for there are many laws of my gospel which the children of men are not ready to hear, and my servant William shall encipher them, and thus shall my work go forward, and thus it is intuitively evident that I, the Lord, still came out ahead,
31. Therefore, let all rejoice in me. Wake, and arise from the dust, O Jerusalem; yea, and put on thy beautiful garments, O daughter of Zion,
32. Let them praise my name in the dance: let them sing praises unto me with the timbrel and harp,
33. Wake me up before ye go-go, and leave me not hanging on like a yo-yo,
34. Yea, wake me up before ye go-go,
35. For I do not want to miss it when ye hit that high. Even so. Amen.

[_Molok]

27. For last August, did not I, the Lord, reveal unto my board the new and everlasting covenant of restricted free agency? Verily, Satan, who was a liar from the very beginning, did offer me Johnny Cash and Marcus Aurelius and a player to be named later, in exchange for Bruce R. McConkie and Heber C. Kimball,
28. Behold, whosoever among you would not have taken that deal, let him cast the first stone

LOL

[_ludwigm]

3. Yea, the only one who could ever reach me,
4. Was the son of a preacher man

The only boy who could ever teach me
Was the son of a preacher man
Yes he was, he was, ooh, he was


Do You like Dusty Springfield, MJ? Are You that old?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQy8LLSlLjU

[_Tator]

9. But the day cometh when Ham shall be cured,
10. And inasmuch as the loins of Ham shall become savory and delightsome,

Mormon Jesus I ask what the hell er what the heck good is Ham without Potatoes er a Potatos er I mean Spuds? Even Funeral Tators! Could you make Funeral Potatoes a Sacrament kind of like part of last rites or something? I mean like I'm being peeled, fried, baked and shredded down here and all for nothing I need some help. Teach me to pray for gravy.......oh crap someone's putting me in the oven I will get back with you later......and to think I could have been Vodka.

[_The Mighty Builder]

Hey Mormon Bastard Jesus, let’s get Personal.

What's it like to know that your daddy was playing hide the salami with your mother when she was already promised to another man, your step-daddy?

Do you think your real daddy's actions are what led Horny Holy Joe to think it’s all right to copulate with other men wives?

How come your real daddy never played with you while you were growing up?

Think he was playing hide the salami with other women on other worlds here to for formed?

So in the Mormon Corporation eternities, will I get to play hide the salami with any women I fancy?

[Guest]

Section 159

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 1 April 2013. Numerous questions about church policy and leadership had arisen in the wake of certain members of the church holding divergent views on such matters. Various pronouncements by church spokesmen and unexplained changes in policy resulted. Because the church is led by continuing revelation, the Lord of course made His will known directly instead of delegating to the inertia of oblique corporate posturing.

1-6, The Lord is not your property, baby; 7-10, new qualifications for church leadership set forth; 11-13, divestiture of things that are of this world; 14-16, those who want to be paid to minister must have some competence; 17-22, righteousness is not the same as mindless submission to authority; 23-25, clarification on the preceding revelation.

1. Behold, I am the Lord of hosts, who manifesteth himself to the nations; yea, like unto a boss,
2. And my words shall never cease, nor my works, which I shall bring to pass with the might of my hand,
3. Yea, I, the Lord, am stronger than yesterday,
4. Now it is nothing but my way,
5. Very, my loneliness is not killing me no more,
6. For I, the Lord, am stronger,
7. And at this time, I, the Lord, do hereby release Thomas S. Monson as the president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,
8. As also do I release Henry B. Eyring and Dieter F. Uchtdorf as his counselors; and all the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are likewise released,
9. And this because I, the Lord, shall appoint new leadership for my church, and those whom I will call as my prophets, seers, and revelators shall be chosen without regard to gender, or color, or sexual orientation, or white collar vocation,
10. For I, the Lord, seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but I, the Lord, look on the heart,
11. And again, I, the Lord, do command that City Creek Center be sold, as also the Deseret Ranches in Florida, and also mine holy ranches in Wyoming and Nebraska, and also Bonneville Communications, and all other manner of commercial ventures on which my church has embarked,
12. And the proceeds shall be used to help the poor and afflicted, and my church shall maintain itself modestly, even as it did when I walked upon the earth among the children of men,
13. For my kingdom is not of this world, and neither also is my church,
14. And inasmuch as a person shall be called to be a general authority in my church, behold, if that man or woman desireth to receive an stipend for his or her labor, then that person must show himself or herself to be qualified to labor in that field; yea, with some modicum of training in divinity or theology, and some manner of reasonable competence in these things,
15. That the servant may be worthy of his hire,
16. Neither also shall my servants be permitted to print all manner of streams of consciousness about my gospel, and receive advances and royalties from my holy publishing company, and thus trade on their status as my servants to get gain, thereby committing priestcraft,
17. And another commandment I give unto my church: that yea cease putting an hedge around the law, even as the Pharisees of old,
18. Yea, I, the Lord, made the universe with my hands, and also redeemed it, and I make the rain to fall on the just and unjust alike,
19. Wherefore, what doth it matter to me if a woman desireth an extra pair of earrings, or a man in my service desireth to grow a beard like I have, or either of them want a tattoo, or would like a cup of coffee in the morning?
20. Verily, thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, mind, and strength, and love thy neighbor as thyself; do this and thou shalt impress the Creator of the Universe,
21. Obsess about petty trivialities, and not so much; yea, obedience for its own sake is not virtue,
22. Did I not tell my servant Oliver that he must study things out in his mind, that the things of the spirit may be opened unto him? Why therefore do ye think it righteousness to do something just because a man at a pulpit told ye to do it?
23. Yea, ponder all these things, and blessed are all ye who have read these words, and thought for a moment that I, the Lord, might be serious,
24. For thus saith the Lord: April Fool's!
25. Amen.

[_Mormon Jesus]

26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

[_malkie]

Revelation given to Mormon Discussions 1 April 2013. Numerous questions about church policy and leadership had arisen in the wake of certain members of the church holding divergent views on such matters. Various pronouncements by church spokesmen and unexplained changes in policy resulted. Because the church is led by continuing revelation, the Lord of course made His will known directly instead of delegating to the inertia of oblique corporate posturing.
...
24. For thus saith the Lord: April Fool's!
25. Amen.

Jesus! You really had me going there.

Wait, are you just messing with our heads, and we should ignore verse 24? Cause I have to admit that (at least most of) verses 1-23 sound just fine.

[_malkie]

26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

Far be it from a mere mortal to contradict you, Jesus, but if you wrote "might have" instead of "might of" perhaps Dr Shades would not find it necessary to apply autocorrect - just sayin'

[_CaliforniaKid]

26. Yea, and I, the Lord, command my servant, Dr.Shades, that my message board shall cease to autocorrect "might" followed immediately by "of" as "might've."
27. And my message board shall remain under condemnation, until these things are corrected, and there is sincere repentance,
28. Even so. Amen.

Wherefore if there be errors, they are the errors of automated board software.