On Going Inactive

[_Symmachus]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

The Church context is what complicates it. I think it's a bit unfair to say that Mormons don't know how to form and maintain friendships. I have several friends who are Mormon but our social interaction was never rooted in common Church activity. When it is so rooted, it means that the social relationship between two people has followed a certain script. It's hard for people to know what to do when the other party to that relationship is not following the script. Being Mormon is an unpaid job, so it's like trying to maintain a friendship with a former co-worker with whom you were friendly, but not friends.

[_malkie]

The last time my wife and I attended church was the first week of July, 2014.

It has been almost a year and a half now.

Attending church had become too much of a spiritual ordeal for both of us, so we took the opportunity of our youngest leaving home to cease attending.

I have been surprised as to how silently we have been allowed to sink beneath the surface, leaving hardly a ripple behind.

The first time anybody from church contacted us was in a Christmas card last year from the wife of a former bishop, who wrote one line, "Where are you guys?"

The next time was a visit we had in March of this year, when the bishop dropped by with one of his counselors. Our bishop is a nice guy, and explained that the purpose of his visit was to ensure that we were still willing to pay the bill for the mission our youngest is planning.

For the first several months after we stopped attending, I remember checking my cell phone Saturday afternoon and again Sunday morning to see if anybody from church had contacted me wanting me to do something, or just to say hello.

Always the result was the same. No phone calls. No messages.

It isn't like I necessarily want people from church to be contacting me, or that I think it would make any difference in my decision to stop attending.

But I am surprised that, after 25-years in the same stake (and 20-years for my wife), being very active, holding many callings, there is so little in the way of outreach from those I knew and thought were my friends.

It has been a learning experience.

All the Best!

--Consiglieri

I had a very similar experience several years ago when I went from being one of the most active members of the ward to totally inactive over a period of a couple of months. Like you, Consig, I wasn't looking for any contact - just a bit surprised that there hadn't been any. As exec sec I'd followed up on some active-to-inactive members, and could not understand why anyone would drop out of activity.

After about a year or two the HPGL spoke to me after a ward social (I occasionally attended socials back then). He said that he had become concerned that I wasn't active. He continued: "You're the only High Priest that has become inactive while I've been group leader, and it doesn't look good for me that you've dropped out."

Needless to say I almost laughed in his face. He's a nice guy, but really, ...

But at least he was honest about it, and I really appreciated that.

[_cafe crema]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

Being Mormon is an unpaid job, so it's like trying to maintain a friendship with a former co-worker with whom you were friendly, but not friends.

But people generally understand that the co-worker you were friendly with was not a friend but rather an acquaintance you were on okay terms with, in the church I think the distinction is blurred, after all you are not just friends you are brothers, and sisters in the gospel, members of the same church family.

[_Symmachus]

But people generally understand that the co-worker you were friendly with was not a friend but rather an acquaintance you were on okay terms with, in the church I think the distinction is blurred, after all you are not just friends you are brothers, and sisters in the gospel, members of the same church family.

I certainly agree that that is the perception. I just think the social structure of church-life is what creates this alienation, not a pathological limit to Mormons' capability to form friendships. The gap between what Mormons tell themselves and others about the social structure of their church-life and the reality of how that social structure actually functions may be a large one, but that is a different thing from saying that Mormons don't "really know how to be friends." The thing is that, despite the rhetoric, church-based relationships are not usually friendships in the way that that word is commonly used. Given a choice between faulting human beings as a class for not living up to their rhetoric and faulting rhetoric, I am more inclined to fault rhetoric.

[_Maksutov]

But people generally understand that the co-worker you were friendly with was not a friend but rather an acquaintance you were on okay terms with, in the church I think the distinction is blurred, after all you are not just friends you are brothers, and sisters in the gospel, members of the same church family.

I certainly agree that that is the perception. I just think the social structure of church-life is what creates this alienation, not a pathological limit to Mormons' capability to form friendships. The gap between what Mormons tell themselves and others about the social structure of their church-life and the reality of how that social structure actually functions may be a large one, but that is a different thing from saying that Mormons don't "really know how to be friends." The thing is that, despite the rhetoric, church-based relationships are not usually friendships in the way that that word is commonly used. Given a choice between faulting human beings as a class for not living up to their rhetoric and faulting rhetoric, I am more inclined to fault rhetoric.

I think Mormons are like most people with strong group identities. To outsiders they may seem to unduly favor and emphasize the group, to restrict their loyalty, roles, activities and concepts to it, etc. It can give the impression that the group is a third party in every relationship. I have seen it with churches, corporations and other employers, hobbyists, followers of sports teams, political parties, ethnic activist groups.

[_Chuck Finley]

I'm not sure church members really know how to be friends. They're pretty good at being home teachers or visiting teachers, but friends? Not so much.

Such exaggeration doesn't help anyone. I have several fine TBM friends. Yes, friends in the normal sense of the word.

[_RockSlider]

Don't feel bad Consig. Maybe it's a Utah thing, but having been through several "ward boundary changes" over the years, the guy across the street whom you were tight ward family with for years all of a sudden changes to a new ward family and you never see/talk to them again. Our lives as Mormons are so involved with these ward families there just is not any time/thought left for those split out by change.

[_ludwigm]

Don't feel bad Consig. Maybe it's a Utah thing, but having been through several "ward boundary changes" over the years, the guy across the street whom you were tight ward family with for years all of a sudden changes to a new ward family and you never see/talk to them again. Our lives as Mormons are so involved with these ward families there just is not any time/thought left for those split out by change.

"ward boundary changes"

What?

Members of any christian church can/may appear in any community of the same section (khm.. khm..) of the same orientation (khm.. khm..) or being to be a tourist. They are welcomed there. As all the atheists and/or outsiders.

***Or in a different section. Orientation. Whatever.
In Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox temples there are no bar-coded entry cards. This is speshul Mormon feature...

-------------------------
***
During my work at Siemens, I was always a tourist after official hours, outside.
In Munich, I've sit down in a temple (Evangelic? Protestant? It was a beautiful building.)
There was something ritual. All people have candles before.
I've sat to listen the liturgy.
An old lady has come to me, and lit a candle for me.

I've thanked her.

I am an atheist.

[_consiglieri]

Earlier this month, my wife got a call from a sister in the ward announcing she is my wife's new visiting teacher, and asking if she could come over and visit.

This is a lady my wife has "known" for years but has never said a single word to her at church or otherwise.

My wife told this sister that she is welcome to come to the house to visit, but that my wife didn't really want to talk about church stuff.

The sister expressed mild surprise over this.

My wife told the sister she must be aware that we haven't been to church for a year and a half.

The sister said she was not aware of this.

My wife expressed mild surprise over this . . .

[_RockSlider]

"ward boundary changes"

What?

Members of any christian church can/may appear in any community of the same section (khm.. khm..) of the same orientation (khm.. khm..) or being to be a tourist. They are welcomed there. As all the atheists and/or outsiders.

***Or in a different section. Orientation. Whatever.
In Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox temples there are no bar-coded entry cards. This is speshul Mormon feature...

-------------------------
***
During my work at Siemens, I was always a tourist after official hours, outside.
In Munich, I've sit down in a temple (Evangelic? Protestant? It was a beautiful building.)
There was something ritual. All people have candles before.
I've sat to listen the liturgy.
An old lady has come to me, and lit a candle for me.

I've thanked her.

I am an atheist.

Yes its a very strange phenomenon. The small mountain town of 11,362 people, maybe 5 miles square 2 stakes with 16 wards listed on the internet at this time. Ward boundaries are typically set/adjusted by the number of various groups of people, with emphasis on number of elders/HP's.

I live in an older neighborhood where for years we had what was referred to as a "newly web or nearly dead" wards. Few children/youth lots of old folks and young kids (rental prices on old homes).

And its so true how many year ties of closeness result in bumping into old friends in the store from time to time, simply from a boundary change, where here it is literally splitting neighbors from across the street .... I live on a corner so have gotten double duty over the years.