Perfume on my Mind wrote:
So since that day is inevitable, what should one latch onto, something real or a mirage?
I don't know about anyone else, but if I need something to prop me up, I want it to be a solid, tangible object. I'm not venturing out onto any invisible bridges.
The last time I was in a situation that felt desperate, it was fairly soon after having pretty much decided the whole god idea made no sense. I remember feeling quite a loss in that regard, given my desperation at the time.
But I realized... the whole time I've been putting my reliance in my version of god, it's actually been me all along. I've been putting stock in something imaginary, while I've been standing right here the whole time. I just needed to do the same things I'd always done to pick myself up again.
I'm real. My old god certainly is not. Letting go of that outdated idea made me a stronger, truly self-reliant person. I will always pick myself up until I can't, and then I'll be dead, and it will have been me all along.
I consider myself to be pretty high level independent, self reliant, resourceful and resilient mainly because I had to learn to be that way at an early age. That said, I think you are talking about death here.
I had an experience in August where I truly thought I was about to buy it. I'm not embellishing here. As a result of withdrawal from a medication I had been random charting my BP for the doctor who gave me a chance to come off a med. One night when I took my BP it was 185/90-something. I knew it was a rebound hypertensive event as a result of withdrawal. Told JB what was going on and that I needed to go to the ER and I wanted to go in an ambulance so if I tanked for some reason (I was thinking stroke) I'd have folks who could take care of me.
When the paramedics got here they clocked my BP in at 258/118. I was shaking the entire time they were assessing me. The shaking stuff started happening weeks before I got off the med which was part of the reason I wanted off it. Long story. I mean I was shaking head to toe. The only words I can use to describe how I felt overall is "toxic" or poisoned".
There followed whole body tremoring/shaking/scared out of my friggin' mind...couldn't calm down. I realized I could die. I
believed I was going to die. Then I got comfortable with the idea. I prayed to the effect that
Lord I might be coming...and it's okay with me if I do. I stopped shaking. Got to the ER, got treated, got better. I am fine today. I'm happy to say that I'm better than fine.
What I am trying to illustrate here is that I didn't just sit and pray to solve the situation. I knew from a medical standpoint what was happening, why it was happening and what the possible outcome might be ( I could die, get better, or my life would change dramatically), I enlisted services in an effort to keep myself safe, and I invited my God into the situation.
So I don't know what is wrong with that. When I think about death I think it's either like being put out on an eternal Propofol drip from which you never awake or it's like being born all over again.
Either way is okay with me. Meanwhile I invite my God into my life every day.
That shouldn't matter to anyone so long as I am not trying to inflict my beliefs on your life.