Thanks. I had a strong feeling I wasn't alone here but I can understand why others wouldn't disclose similar experiences.Doctor CamNC4Me wrote: ↑Mon Aug 29, 2022 3:44 pmJust so you don’t feel like the odd duck out, I was raised in similar circumstances by Silent Gen types; my father being raised by people that by today’s standards would be in jail.
For real. I don't know how hard it really was for my Mom though. I hear stories about how she was raised poor in Po-dunk Alabama. She talks about the first time they got an actual toilet when she was 12, and how it was such a luxury from having to use the outhouse in the middle of the night. She married my Dad when he was at Ft. Benning when she was just 16. She almost immediately got pregnant in Germany when they were stationed overseas, and then gave birth to me when she was just 17. She had three kids by the time she was 23, but being the quintessential southerner, she was an excellent cook and tended to her expected duties of cooking and cleaning, far surpassing anyone's expectations. But emotionally she was an erratic time bomb, and I was usually the vehicle in which she unleashed her frustrations. My parents divorced when I was 10, after their experiment with "Open Marriage" didn't pan out (I learned about all of this years later from both grandparents). Dad was rarely home and he was sleeping with other women my Mom knew. He never abused us, but he never really took much interest in us either. He sure as hell never stopped his wife from abusing us and I remember my Mom waking us up at least once a week (sometimes more) late on a school night, to pack us all in our super tiny Subaru to drive out to get Dad. "He's out in the field" was the excuse we heard over and over, but later I learned from my Mom that this was just code for him being hammered at the officer's club and he couldn't afford another DUI.Doctor CamNC4Me wrote: ↑Mon Aug 29, 2022 3:44 pmWith hindsight and wisdom I realize they were just people trying the best they could, being handed a very difficult hand of cards themselves, and as such I try to be forgiving. However, that crap sticks and it’s definitely a process to come to terms with it.
During all this time, my Mom was having an affair with our next door neighbor who was also married. Two years after the divorce she ended up marrying that guy. So, I've known my step-Dad since I was two years old.
My brother and sister were rarely abused, but it did happen on occasion, usually when I wasn't around. I think it had something to do with me being the black sheep in the family. My brother and sister looked like my Mom. My sister was her "mini-me" and they both had long straight hair all the way down past their knees like Crystal Gayle (that 70's style). They were all good looking and popular, dark hair, dark eyes, prominent facial features, etc. Whereas I was the chubby faced kid with pale skin and freckles. I was ugly an I knew it and it felt just so out of place with my family. Kids at school couldn't believe those two popular kids in the lower grades were actually my siblings and people would sometimes straight up ask my parents if I was adopted, right in front of me.
It's weird now because my Mom treats my kids the way she never treated us. She showers them with affection and encourages them in everything they do. Whenever my Mom comes over for gatherings she hugs everyone but she and I only hug sometimes because there is always that awkward silence between us that I don't think will ever go away. I hate it because I know the rest of the family picks up on it and they probably assume it has something to do with me being a bad son, because all they see is this wonderful grandmother.
That's true. It is probably why I talk more about personal stuff here than I should. Because in my real life I'm unable to talk about it at all. I can't talk about religion because everyone else I know is religious and it's like trying to speak to Germans in Italian. I can't talk about politics because everyone here is a Trumper and any remark, no matter how innocuous, will trigger a firestorm that will result in family members ignoring one another for months. I can't talk about personal family issues because the entire family has been living on a level of denial that's somewhere in the upper stratosphere. The only time I can remember the subject ever coming up was about 20 years ago when someone at the house (not family) made a comment about spanking kids, and I made some sarcastic remark like, "Yep, been there done that." When I said that my Mom went absolutely ballistic and said, "Kevin! I never laid a finger on you. Isn't that right Jack?" Jack, being my step-Dad who willingly lies for her and once explained to us that husbands and wives have to be on the same page no matter what, even if it means lying. He'd rather just go along with a lie than have to deal with my Mom's wrath if he dares contradict her on something so sensitive as that.I think maybe for us some of that history surfaces here and there, either within a relationship or with child rearing, and we feel a lot of guilt over it because we know better, but we failed to shake off all of the negative programming. All you can do is note it, discuss it with affected parties, and keep trying to do better.
But what's the point in even telling people at this point, least of all the people who were guilty of doing it? All it does is push them away farther because they'll have it in their minds that I could at any moment drop a truth bomb in front of other people and that would ruin their imagined reputations as wonderful Christian people.
Word.And bribe a kid with a car. Heh.