How to Avoid a Mormon Funeral for a Parent

[Nomomo]

How to Avoid a Mormon Funeral for a Parent
I need some thoughts on how to avoid gawdamned Mormon funeral BS when my mother passes away. My mother who is now 86 has admitted to me in private that she does not plan on going to Mormon heaven. I am sure that she has never said this or anything remotely similar to my sister who used to make fun of mos, but is now a freaking serious temple believing Mo. The subject of her funeral arrangements is a subject that I am very hesitant to bring up with my mother. But must I do so to avoid my mom's funeral being a Mormon related event? My mother has 4 children, and only one of us although being raised mo still believes in ridiculous Mormon nonsense.

I don't feel that just because my sister is a nonsensical believing mo nowadays that any Mormon BS or mo speaker should be a part of my mother's funeral. The rub is, how does one cut my mo sister out of selecting a mo speaker at my mom's funeral? Or even worse, have the funeral at a mo church building with a mo bishop presiding?

This is a very delicate subject, particularly because my mother although privately admitting to me in personal conversation to be a non-believer in mo heavenly kingdom BS. she would never say or admit that to my mo temple believing sister. In fact I feel it would be betraying a trust of private conversation between me and my mother if I were to tell my sister what my mom said and that she is not a believer, as it was a very private conversation of a few years ago.

Any ideas of how to keep gawddamned Mormon BS out of being a part of my mother's funeral when that time soon comes?

[msnobody]

If you alone will make the actual funeral arrangements, maybe say the burial policy only covers the funeral if held inside the funeral home. Don’t know what to tell you about the other LDS stuff, unless you break the news that mom wasn’t a believer in the church. Maybe you’ll luck out and the family will leave all the funeral arranging up to you. Tell mom to spell out her funeral service wishes before she dies. Even if it does go down in LDS fashion, you’ll know her true thoughts, so try not to be anxious over it. Ask you mom if she cares whether it is an LDS or secular funeral service.

[Nomomo]

If you alone will make the actual funeral arrangements, maybe say the burial policy only covers the funeral if held inside the funeral home. Don’t know what to tell you about the other LDS stuff, unless you break the news that mom wasn’t a believer in the church. Maybe you’ll luck out and the family will leave all the funeral arranging up to you. Tell mom to spell out her funeral service wishes before she dies. Even if it does go down in LDS fashion, you’ll know her true thoughts, so try not to be anxious over it.

Thanks for your thoughts msnobody. But it is tough, to think she might end up with a gawddamned Mormon funeral if I or one of my non-believing brothers do not have an adequate say.

As far as I know, my mother has only privately admitted her disbelief in mo nonsense to myself. I would have no problem with sharing that she did not believe with my brothers after she has passed, but I am sure my mo sister would deny it to be true if I ever told her, which I will probably never do.

It was unspoken between us, but I believe my mother just assumed and took for granted that I knew not to discuss our conversation about her non-belief with my sister or anyone else in her large mo family.

She has not even ever admitted her non-belief to her atheist husband (my stepfather) because he can not be trusted not to not use that fact against my sister. (he's a complete asshole who likes to drive wedges (if given the opportunity) between my mother and her children, because he has no relationships with any his own children who do not associate with him him at all because he is such a damned dick)

[Doctor CamNC4Me]

Compose a will with her naming you executor that outlines her specific wishes regarding her affairs. Have her review it, and both of you sign it with an attorney and notary present. Maybe involve the other siblings if that’s her wishes.

- Doc

[Res Ipsa]

How to Avoid a Mormon Funeral for a Parent
I need some thoughts on how to avoid gawdamned Mormon funeral B.S. when my mother passes away. My mother who is now 86 has admitted to me in private that she does not plan on going to Mormon heaven. I am sure that she has never said this or anything remotely similar to my sister who used to make fun of mos, but is now a freaking serious temple believing Mo. The subject of her funeral arrangements is a subject that I am very hesitant to bring up with my mother. But must I do so to avoid my mom's funeral being a Mormon related event? My mother has 4 children, and only one of us although being raised mo still believes in ridiculous Mormon nonsense.

I don't feel that just because my sister is a nonsensical believing mo nowadays that any Mormon B.S. or mo speaker should be a part of my mother's funeral. The rub is, how does one cut my mo sister out of selecting a mo speaker at my mom's funeral? Or even worse, have the funeral at a mo church building with a mo bishop presiding?

This is a very delicate subject, particularly because my mother although privately admitting to me in personal conversation to be a non-believer in mo heavenly kingdom B.S.. she would never say or admit that to my mo temple believing sister. In fact I feel it would be betraying a trust of private conversation between me and my mother if I were to tell my sister what my mom said and that she is not a believer, as it was a very private conversation of a few years ago.

Any ideas of how to keep gawddamned Mormon B.S. out of being a part of my mother's funeral when that time soon comes?

Assuming your mother is mentally competent, one approach that can be effective is to simply encourage her to think about what she wants when she passes, write it down, and send a letter to all her children with her wishes. You may be able to persuade her to do this by letting her know that you want to honor her wishes and you think your siblings do as well, but that they can't do that without clear instructions from her.

If she won't, then I would find out how the law in your state works concerning who has the legal authority to do what with remains. If it's you or someone other than your LDS sister, then it sounds like you don't have anything to worry about.

If she doesn't have a will, she should make one anyway, along with an end of life plan. She can put her wishes in the will. She can appoint as executor someone that she believes will carry out her wishes. I would encourage you to help her find an attorney who can help her write the will. And the writing should be left up to her and the lawyer. One of the major ways to challenge a will is through a legal doctrine called "undue influence." If you draft the will yourself and name yourself as executor, the will would be unlikely to withstand a legal challenge. The point is to make whatever it is that your mother's are legally enforceable with someone in charge who will carry out her wishes.

I've discussed this issue with both of my parents. I told both of them that, if they want us to carry out their wishes concerning end of life medical issues and how they want their remains to be treated, they need to do wills and directives now. The main piece of advice I gave them was to leave us as little to fight about after they are gone as possible. It's not that difficult of a conversation to have. Nobody wants their family's last memory of them to be a bitter family feud over funeral arrangements.

But the other advice I have is to think very carefully through what really matters to you. In my experience, things that seem critically important in the immediate aftermath of a death in the family fade to not important at all over a fairly short period of time. In my experience, family battles after death of a loved one completely distract from the process of honoring the life of the deceased and remembering the things we loved about them. When my LDS sister died, I attended the now-expected preach the gospel funeral service, tuned out the preaching, and listened to the couple of speakers who defied Salt Lake by talking about her and her life. I also found a way to make my own memory of her burial, which has stayed with me and makes me smile long after the I've forgotten every single word uttered by her bishop.

Find out what she wants. Encourage her to tell everyone that needs to know. And if her wishes are not yours, that's okay.

[Res Ipsa]

Compose a will with her naming you executor that outlines her specific wishes regarding her affairs. Have her review it, and both of you sign it with an attorney and notary present. Maybe involve the other siblings if that’s her wishes.

- Doc

Legally, Doc, that's just asking for trouble. There's a legal doctrine called undue influence that could easily have the will declared invalid under these circumstances. Best to set the mother up with a a lawyer that does wills and let them work with the mother to figure out what she wants and then record that in a will that would be difficult to challenge.

[Doctor CamNC4Me]

Compose a will with her naming you executor that outlines her specific wishes regarding her affairs. Have her review it, and both of you sign it with an attorney and notary present. Maybe involve the other siblings if that’s her wishes.

- Doc

Legally, Doc, that's just asking for trouble. There's a legal doctrine called undue influence that could easily have the will declared invalid under these circumstances. Best to set the mother up with a a lawyer that does wills and let them work with the mother to figure out what she wants and then record that in a will that would be difficult to challenge.

This actually brings up a few questions I’ve had regarding wills. What’s the difference, IRT the legal ‘solidness’, between the following:

1 - handwritten will

2 - a will prepared online and downloaded (and signed)

3 - a will crafted by a lawyer and signed in their presence

Let’s assume it’s just a will made by an average Joe type.

- Doc

[Res Ipsa]

Legally, Doc, that's just asking for trouble. There's a legal doctrine called undue influence that could easily have the will declared invalid under these circumstances. Best to set the mother up with a a lawyer that does wills and let them work with the mother to figure out what she wants and then record that in a will that would be difficult to challenge.

This actually brings up a few questions I’ve had regarding wills. What’s the difference, IRT the legal ‘solidness’, between the following:

1 - handwritten will

2 - a will prepared online and downloaded (and signed)

3 - a will crafted by a lawyer and signed in their presence

Let’s assume it’s just a will made by an average Joe type.

- Doc

It all depends on the laws in your state. A handwritten (or "holographic") will used to have a special status because it could be verified by someone who recognizes the testator's handwriting. I'm not sure that holds true anymore.

Your state likely has a statute that has requirements for a will that will make it self-authenticating. As long as you follow those, I don't think there is any preference when it comes to making a will that can withstand legal challenges. The advantage of using a lawyer is in making sure the will is clear and that it doesn't try to do anything that isn't legally enforceable. Having the lawyer witness the will may be marginally better than having a beneficiary witness it.

[Meadowchik]

My very Mormon parents planned my mom's funeral when she was terminally ill. Most of us kids are exmo and what they wanted was for each child to speak and no one else. It was beautiful. With opening and closing hymns and prayers. In their chapel.

The bishop did conduct and made remarks but they were so brief to not count as a speech in my opinion.

Years ago I was discussing the Mormon funeral topic with my dad and he was adamant that his funeral not be a proselytising event. I think that carried over to how they planned mom's funeral.

Sit down and talk to your mom. Offer to help her plan it. Then follow her wishes.

[msnobody]

I think the best advice is to talk to her about it and let her make the decision. It may no matter to her one way or the other.