Hey L, Welcome to the board,
My heart goes out to you. Leaving ones religion/culture/belief system is not easy that is for sure. Mormonism is especially difficult.
A couple of thoughts...
First, I came to a place where I felt deeply in my core being that the greatest "sin" is not living true to ones heart and mind. While I don't really see mistakes as something associated with Satan (smile), I still see the thwarting of individual gifts, inspiration, care, and authenticity to follow, conform, and obey, as something deeply disturbing.
Seems to me the world needs more creativity, more people listening to their intuition, more people trying to bring enlightenment to the world, NOT more people following and holding on, with fear and trembling to teachings/doctrine/dogma that may not work, or bring forth peace and kindness.
We are fortunate to have found ourselves on this earth and if there is some sort of divine being (or beings) out there with any sort of enlightenment, love, care, concern for us, this entity would most likely want each of us to express the goodness within us in the best way we possibly can.
I just can't imagine the scenario where the judgment day comes and God condemns someone for doing what they truly believe is right and good and honest.
Which would be the most holy choice? Conforming to a religion (any religion) that seems lacking in integrity, teachings untruths, creates conflict and arrogance and fills ones life with confusion and frustration OR, living in the way one feels brings the most goodness to their existence and honor to their life?
I found a quote by Stephanie Marshall, years ago that reflected how I view this...
"Learning emerges from discovery, not directives; reflection, not rules;
possibilities, not prescriptions; diversity, not dogma; creativity and
curiosity, not conformity and certainty; and meaning, not mandates."
As I came to realize that letting go of Mormonism, was for me the more holy choice, and actually the choice I needed to make to live in peace and joy and authenticity, the fear was released and replaced by an enormous calm; the knot that was in my stomach for so many years unraveled and I found a physical sense of wellness throughout my body.
It is difficult to describe how I feel today after letting go of Mormonism. We do know how stress effects our bodies and minds and for me Mormonism was living in a constant state of extreme fear and stress. I found no peace ever. I was never good enough, ever doing as much as I should, couldn't quite do the perfect thing.
But, I as I looked up at the sky at night, as I watched the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean, as I tended to my garden, somehow I sensed that life was not about all the dogma, demands, rituals, handshakes, rules, conformity, obedience, outlandish stories, wearing of garments, keys, power, authority, patriarchy, having faith in the impossible, following, etc. etc. etc.
For me, life was about living in the most lovely way we can. It is about caring for those in need, learning from our mistakes, making our little corner of the world as beautiful as possible.
Simple as that.
~td~